Mr. Bliss Read online

  Mr. Bliss –

  lived in a house. It was a white house with red roofs.

  It had tall rooms, and a very high front door, because Mr. Bliss wore such tall hats. He had rows of them on rows of pegs in the hall.

  One day Mr. Bliss looked out of the window early in the morning.

  “Is it going to be a fine day?” he asked the Girabbit (which he kept in the garden, but its head often looked in at the bedroom windows).

  “Of course it is!” said the Girabbit. All days were fine to him for his skin was of mackintosh, and he had made a deep, deep, hole in the ground, and he was blind, so he never knew whether the sun was shining or not. As a matter of fact he usually went to bed after breakfast and got up for supper, so that he knew very little about the daytime.

  After breakfast Mr. Bliss put on his green top-hat, because the Girabbit said it was going to be a fine day.

  Then he said: “I will go and buy a motor-car!”

  So he got on his bicycle, and rode down the hill to the village.

  He walked into the shop, and said: “I want a motor-car!”

  “What colour?” said Mr. Binks. “Bright yellow,” said Mr. Bliss, “inside and out.”

  “That will be five shillings,” said Mr. Binks.

  “And I want red wheels,” said Mr. Bliss.

  “That will be sixpence more.”

  “Very well,” said Mr. Bliss; “only I have left my purse at home.”

  “Very well, then you will have to leave your bicycle here; and when you bring your money you can have it back.”

  It was a beautiful bicycle, all silver – but it had no pedals, because Mr. Bliss only rode down hill.

  Mr. Bliss’s motor-car.

  Mr. Bliss got into the motor-car and started off. Soon he asked himself:

  “Where are you going to, Mr. Bliss?”

  “I don’t know, Mr. Bliss” he answered himself.

  “Let’s go and visit the Dorkinses, and give them a surprise!”

  “Very well!” said Mr. Bliss to himself, “very well!”

  So he turned sharp to the right at the next turning, and ran straight into Mr. Day, coming from his garden with a barrow-load of cabbages. This shows what happened.

  So he had to pick up Mr. Day and put the cabbages on the back of the motor-car. Mr. Day said he was too bruised to walk.

  Now he went on again and turned sharp round the second turning to the left, and ran slap into Mrs. Knight with her donkey-cart piled with bananas.

  The cart was smashed. So he had to pile the bananas on top of the cabbages, and Mrs. Knight on top of Mr. Day, and tied the donkey on behind the car.

  The car was now very full, and would not go very fast. Soon they came into the wood, because the road ran through the middle of it.

  Of course the bears came out, and stood in the middle of the road and waved their arms: Archie and Teddy and Bruno.

  So Mr. Bliss had to stop, because he could not get by without running over them.

  “I like bananas,” said Teddy.

  “And I like cabbages,” said Archie.

  “And I want a donkey!” said Bruno. “And we all want a motor-car,” they all said together.

  “But you can’t have this motor-car; it’s mine,” said Mr. Bliss.

  “And you can’t have these cabbages – they’re mine,” said Mr. Day.

  “And you can’t have these bananas, or this donkey – they’re mine,” said Mrs. Knight.

  “Then we shall eat you all up – one each!” said the bears.

  Of course they were only teasing; but they rolled their yellow eyes, and growled, and looked so fierce that Mr. Bliss was frightened (and so was Mr. Day and Mrs. Knight). So they gave the bears the cabbages and the bananas.

  Archie and Teddy piled them on the donkey and took them away to their house in the wood. Bruno sat and talked to Mr. Bliss. Really he was watching to see Mr. Bliss did not drive away before Archie and Teddy came back.

  When they came back the bears said: “Now we want a motor-ride!”

  “But I am going to see the Dorkinses,” said Mr. Bliss, “and you don’t know them.”

  “But we could know them,” said Archie.

  So Mr. Bliss had to let them all get in at the back, and there was such a squash that Mrs. Knight had to sit in front by Mr. Bliss, and he was so squeezed he could hardly steer.

  Then they started off again, and came out of the Wood to the top of the Hill, because the road ran straight up it and down the other side.

  The poor donkey was tied on behind again. He did not much mind at first because with six inside the motor did not go very fast up hill. But when they came to the top of the Hill, and began to go down (because the Dorkinses lived at the bottom) it was very different.

  Mr. Bliss’s motor-car is drawn both going up the hill and rushing down the other side.

  Mr. Bliss was so squeezed by Mrs. Knight he could not put on the brakes. Soon they began to whizz and the donkey was dragged flying through the air. Faster and faster they ran, until they crashed plump into the Dorkinses’ garden wall. They all shot out head first and flew over the wall, all except the donkey, who turned a somersault into the car. Like this:

  The cabbages and bananas are not in the picture, of course – the bears had hidden them all in the Wood.

  The Dorkinses were the other side of the wall, sitting on their beautiful lawn on little stools. They were eating soup out of little bowls, and their lovely carpet was spread on the grass. They were fat people; but one of them was specially fat; and he was known as the Fat Dorkins (or just Fattie).

  He had curly black hair, and wore no coat, because he split coats, when he tried to get into them. So he went about in a white shirt with yellow spots and no sleeves. The second fattest Dorkins (who was called Albert) is on the left; his legs were very short. Herbert is the one on the far side of the soup-tureen. He looks horrified because he has just swallowed a beetle that got into his soup. Egbert is the one with a green jacket. He also looks cross, because there is another beetle on the lovely carpet (you can see he is just going to smack it with his spoon). But Albert looked much more horrified a second later, and the beetle was squashed very flat. Not by Egbert! It was just then that Mr. Bliss and all his party fell out of the sky onto the Dorkinses, the soup, the beetle, and the lovely carpet.

  Mr. Bliss fell face downwards on the beetle. Mr. Day knocked Albert over and stood on his head on the lovely carpet. Bruno sat down bump. Teddy sat on Herbert. Mrs. Knight sent Egbert over backwards. But Archie put his head bang through the lid of the tureen, and soup splashed all over him, and got into both his eyes.

  The Dorkinses were quite bowled over – and angry. Fattie was least angry, because nobody had fallen on him. Though he lost his third helping of soup, he laughed very loud. That only made Albert all the angrier.

  “Next time you come,” he said to Mr. Bliss, “go to the front door and ring, and don’t throw people out of a balloon onto our picnic!”

  “We didn’t come in a balloon – I brought my friends in a motor-car, and we left it at the gate.”

  “Thank goodness,” said Egbert. “A motor-car on the lovely carpet would have been too much to bear. I believe one of your friends is sitting on a beetle.”

  Then Mrs Knight jumped up with a shriek, although she had been lying on her back crying “O my bananas – all my bones are broken!” She would not sit down, till Mr. Bliss showed her the beetle squashed on his front. By that time Archie had licked himself clean of soup; Mr Day had found his hat, and was sitting up again; and Bruno (who was very little) was picking daisies.

  So Mr. Bliss introduced them all to the Dorkinses, and the Dorkinses, who were very polite, said: “Pleased to meet you, we hope you are quite well. Isn’t it lovely weather, an
d won’t you stay to lunch.” They did not really mean any of it very much (except the part about the weather – for the Girabbit had, by accident, been quite right). But Mr. Bliss and Mrs. Knight said: “Thank you very much.” And the bears said: “We would rather walk round your beautiful garden, if you don’t mind.” So lots more soup was brought out, and cakes, and pickled cabbage and banana-fritters, and they all sat on the grass and ate. Except the bears who disappeared.

  After lunch they walked round the garden. There was no sign of the bears, till they came to the kitchen-garden.

  This is just a glimpse of what they saw there.

  The three bears fast asleep under a large apple-tree.

  They were snoring and their tummies were frightfully fat.

  There was only one little row of cabbages left in all the great big garden.

  The bears had eaten all the rest, and lots of green apples, and raw potatoes.

  The Dorkinses were really and truly angry this time, because Archie had not even left the purple cabbages they used for pickling.

  So they shook the bears, and woke them up, and told them to go away at once.

  “What nasty cross people your friends are, Mr. Bliss,” said Archie. “They ask you to lunch and then are angry if you eat it. We are going to finish our nap.”

  They all lay down under the tree again and would not move. But the crossest Dorkins, Albert, let loose the dogs.

  Then the bears woke up very suddenly and scrambled over the wall and ran away as hard as their legs would carry them. Luckily for them the gates were all shut, and the Dorkinses did not let the dogs into the road.

  “Never mind,” they called back, “we have got lots of cabbages and bananas at home.”

  “My cabbages!” shouted Mr. Day.

  “My bananas!” shrieked Mrs, Knight. “Drat the bears; I am a-going after them!”

  “But they will eat you all up,” said Mr. Bliss; “and anyway you will never catch them up now.”

  “They will eat the cabbages and bananas all up, you mean,” said Mr. Day. “We shall easily catch them up in the motor-car.”

  “No!” said Mr. Bliss. “I am not going to chase bears. I would rather let them eat bananas than me.”

  “That’s because they ain’t your bananas,” said Mrs. Knight. And they pushed Mr. B. towards the gate.

  But they could not get him through! Still they pushed and squeezed him against the posts, until at last he said he would go after the bears, if the Dorkinses came too, and brought the dogs. The Dorkinses rather liked the idea, for they were still angry with the bears. But, of course, when they got to the motor-car, the Dorkinses saw at once that it would not go again without a lot of mending.

  “What are we to do?” said Mr. Bliss. “This car is worth five and sixpence, and Binks has got my silver bicycle!”

  “Hee-haw! Hee-haw!” said the donkey suddenly from behind a hedge. They had forgotten all about him, and he had gone to find his own lunch – thistles.

  “I know!” said Mr. Bliss, immediately he heard the donkey – “the donkey shall pull the car home.”

  “No he won’t,” said Mrs. Knight, “not if I know him.”

  She knew him quite well. He was already trotting away quickly. They shouted, and shouted, and offered him four pounds of carrots. So at last he stopped and waited to see what would happen next.

  You can guess what did! They brought out carrots, and coaxed the donkey back. And then they tied him up. Then they fetched out three ponies (Albert’s, Egbert’s, and Herbert’s – Fattie was too heavy to have a pony). Then they tied all the ponies and the donkey on to the front of the car, after they had hammered and banged the wheels straight, and after that they all got in: Mr. Bliss, Mr, Day, Mrs. Knight, Albert, Herbert, Egbert, and Fattie, and the dogs, who couldn’t be trusted not to go off after rabbits.

  I have drawn a picture of the party on the inn-green by the road side. The car is just here (and the ponies and donkey) but I am tired of drawing it.

  Just as they were starting Fattie said: “It will be tea-time long before we get there. Let’s wait till after tea, or have an early tea now!” But they wouldn’t listen to him. Anyway it was too much to bother to unpack themselves all over again.

  It took them much longer than they expected getting up the long hill. And it took them still longer going down the other side, because they had to keep the brakes on, or the car would have run away and pushed the ponies and the donkey over. It was already very late tea-time when they got to the inn at Cross Roads. Then Fattie insisted on stopping. They had a huge tea, especially Fattie. They had no money, so the innkeeper made out a huge bill for Mr. Bliss – the Dorkinses said it was his party.

  When Fattie had finished at last, they packed themselves up and started.

  It is a good way from Cross Roads to Three Bears Wood. Very soon the sun began to sink. Dark was coming on and the moon was rising when they came to the edge of the Wood.

  Even Mrs. Knight began to wonder whether her bananas were worth all the trouble, when she saw how bluey-dark the wood could look. She thought “the dogs will look after us!” But the dogs thought: “It is one thing to chase bears out of the garden in the afternoon, and quite a different thing to hunt them in their own wood after dark. Where are our nice comfy kennels?”

  Albert said: “Isn’t it time you put on your lamps?”

  Then Mr. Bliss remembered he had never bought any – as you will see if you look back at the pictures. He had only bothered about the colour of the wheels.

  “Never mind,” said Herbert. “There won’t be any policeman out in this lonely place.”

  “I wish there were,” said Mr. Bliss – “lots and lots of policemen.”

  They drove only just inside the wood, and dragged the car off the road. Then they tied up the ponies and donkey, and set off. The dogs were leading, because they smelt bear, and Albert Dorkins would not let them run away, but Mr. Bliss was behindmost, and he probably would have never come along, if he had not hated being left alone. Anyway Mrs. Knight kept on looking back to see he was following. The wood got darker and darker as they went deeper and deeper. All they could see was the faint signs of a path – the path the bears made going to and from their house.

  Then the path got wider, and became a road. So they walked very slow and quiet.

  Mr. Bliss sat down and thought he would wait till they came back.

  This is all he could see. He did not like it [at] all. “I can’t see if my hat is black or green,” he said.

  “I know your face is white without looking,” said Mrs. K., who was only just in front. “You come along with the rest!” So Mr. Bliss had to come along. Not much further. They were very near the bears’ house now. As a matter of fact, it stood just round a corner at the back of the picture, which Albert has nearly reached.

  The dogs went round the corner. Suddenly they gave the most dreadful howls, and bolted back with their tails between their legs and their hair on end. Mr. Bliss did not wait to see what they had seen, but fled after them as fast as his long legs would carry him. Every time he bumped into a tree he got more frightened, and every time he tripped up and fell flat on his nose he got up and ran faster without ever looking back.

  He forgot motor-car, ponies, cabbages, Dorkinses and all, and ran all night till morning. But in the meanwhile, you would like to see what the dogs saw – and the Dorkinses and Mrs. Knight, and Mr, Day. They did not turn to run away until it was too late.

  Now, are you surprised that they all lay down on the ground and hid their faces – even Albert?

  How did the bears do it? That is their own private secret. I expect they painted themselves with something that shines in the dark, and that they had been expecting the people to come after them. I expect that, as soon as they heard the dogs snuffling outside their house (which you can see), they popped out. But I don’t think they expected to frighten everybody as much as they did.

  The people thought they were bogies, or ghosts, or goblins,
or all three. Fattie rolled on the floor. So did Mrs, Knight, and she kept on saying “bananas, bananas, bananas”, as if she was counting. Mr. Day hid his face in his hat, and said “I will be good, I will be good.” The other Dorkinses lay as quiet and as still as they could for shaking.

  Then the bears began to laugh. They did laugh! They sat on the floor and roared, and when they got up again they left shiny patches like enormous glowworms on the ground.

  “Now we had better all have supper,” said Archie, when he got his breath. Herbert was the first to recover, and he was cross, because he felt so silly. But when Fattie heard “supper”, he forgot all his troubles.

  The bears really took pains with that supper, and the Dorkinses and Mrs. Knight and old Mr, Day forgave them altogether when they saw it; and when they had eaten it they danced and sang together like old friends . But they couldn’t find Mr. Bliss anywhere, though they roused all the birds with their calling and shouting, before they sat down. There is a picture of the party on the other side.

  Herbert is not in this picture. He swallowed a crumb the wrong way and is coughing in the scullery. He was sitting beyond Egbert next to Teddy.

  This is at the end of the party when nearly everything had been eaten – cold chicken, ham, lettuces, beetroot, tomatoes, trifle, cheese, brown bread, and asparagus – the birthday cake (it wasn’t anybody’s birthday, really) is still left, but the beer-barrel is very nearly empty.